“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28
VIRTUAL INFIDELITY
Pornography can start with something as simple as a photo on your computer or in a magazine. And before too long, the need for stimulation will take you step by step from one graphic material to a more explicit material and revealing and in the blinking of an eye, we do it more and more frequently.
Pornography encourages us to treat each other as objects or machines of pleasure. Pornography sowing the seeds of isolation and leads to unhealthy relationships and loss of respect for ourselves. In due time the user becomes more and more involved in the world of fantasy, pornography becomes an obsession.
Why shouldn’t a Christian couple use pornography to increase their arousal and to enhance their sexual relationship? A long time ago pornography was a habit of the very rich. No one else could afford pornographic luxuries. The Roman Emperor called Tiberius Caesar was addicted to pornography and when he wanted to be satisfied, he would buy special parchments of drawings from Egypt or bring to the palace young men and women trained in the sexual practices for private demonstrations.
Today, all that has changed. Anyone can buy pornography. Renting video stores have special sections just for pornographic films. On the internet, anyone can see whatever they want. To say that “it is easy to get pornography”, today is an understatement. Today we have pornography everywhere we turn, whether we want to see it or not!
We live in Pornotopia. In Pornotopia, the common and ordinary people ask questions that they would not have even thought of asking in the past. Today such questions as the following are asked: Why shouldn’t a married couple use pornography to increase their sexual arousal and to enhance their sex life? Or Why can't we look at a porn movie together before having sex? Anyway, many argue, “we are doing it for a good cause and at least we do it together.”
It is not only that this is bad, but that it doesn’t work! The wife and her husband are not doing it together. To think it is, is to deceive yourself. In reality, it is inviting other people to the intimacy of marriage! Viewing pornography does not improve their sexual relations. In fact, pornography reduces your arousal and also weakens what could increase your excitement.
WHY THEY ARE NOT DOING IT TOGETHER?
The couple is ready to have sex; they look at a pornographic move. The husband is excited by looking at images of other women rather than his wife. The wife is excited by looking at images of men in the move instead of her husband. They go to bed and have sex. The question is now, with whom are they having sex? They are probably in the sexual act together but it is clear that they are not sharing the act with one another. The husband is living his fantasy with the woman in move and the wife with the man in the move. The fact that they are not present physically is only detail.
The suggestion would amaze us of using prostitutes for the night for this couple to warm up with them, and then simultaneously they turn around to complete the sexual experience with their marriage partner. Nevertheless, this is in essence exactly what they are doing. They are having sex with other people even though there is no one else present than themselves.
Because pornography does not enhance sexual relations in marriage! It only creates a generation that the phrase “making love” could be used for any of the things that lovers do for example: holding hands, made incredible promises, do special things for each other, sweetly whispering in the ear your partner. “Make love” meant any experience where lovers lost their head one for another in demonstrations of love... because sacrificing one for the other is what “making love” really means. Today, unfortunately, we use the expression “to make love” only for the sexual act. It is a deceitful expression. It’s true that the sexual act can be a way of making love, but it can also be a way to destroy it!
The reason why sexual intercourse within marriage is a way of making love is because the husband loses himself in full delight to serve and please his wife, and the wife does the same with her husband. By contrast, when the spouses have sexual relations incorporating pornography, neither is aware of their partner, each one is thinking of himself. The husband is satisfying himself, not to his wife while he imagines that his wife is not his wife but the other women in the move and the wife as well imagines that her husband is not her husband, but the man in the move whom she is thinking of. This is not making love... This is masturbating with the body of your wife or your husband!
WHY DOES PORNOGRAPHY REDUCES SEXUAL AROUSAL IN THE COUPLE?
It is clear that although pornographic sex can enhance the sexual arousal of the couple, it has nothing to do with the sexual arousal of the one with the other. Each one is doing it with other people. And this is only half of the problem.
The other half is that pornographic fantasies become addictive. Let us consider the husband. If the husband increases his arousal imagining that his wife is another woman, he will come to rely more and more on fantasy, and he will be less able to be excited by his wife. Not only that, but his fantasy will quickly lose their power. So to be able to be excited again he will need a new fantasy. There’s the trap!
At first it will be sufficient only to imagine another woman. But soon that becomes old, since the imaginary thing never has the vitality of reality. Suddenly the husband's fantasies will become stranger. Not only will he have to imagine another woman but also other types of women - not only sex but also other types of sex - to be able to feel the excitement. He may discover that he will want pornography not only before sexual intercourse but during intercourse. In fact, the fantasy may come to not be enough to satisfy him. It can go so far as to want to realize his pornographic fantasies with his wife. Anal sex, oral sex, unusual positions, etc. They become the new level to satisfy himself.
PORNOGRAPHY IS DESTRUCTIVE RATHER THAN CONSTRUCTIVE
Occasionally a couple will look at pornography simply because they have problems enjoying their sexual relations, and they believe that pornography is going to solve this problem. Unfortunately, the use of pornography destroys not only what should be fix but also, as we have already seen, it distracts the couple and prevents them from attending what actually needs to be attended: The marriage.
Sexual frustration can arise from many causes. Perhaps the couple looks at sex as a realization of their own desires and not with the spirit that God wishes it to be ... With the spirit of giving. Possibly there are unrealistic expectations about the sexual act. Perhaps one of them is sick, depressed, or has fear of aging. Sometimes the sexual frustrations arise from other problems within the relationship, such as disputes, infidelity, or not taking time to talk and communicate.
By the grace of God, a couple that is facing problems can work on repairing the marriage. But pornography is not the way to help, it only worsening the situation.
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